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Hey Kyrie, get off Twitch and go help Luka Dončić win an NBA title

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When will this man just STFU?
Photo: Gareth Patterson (AP)

Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.


The “You don’t know me” defense from public figures is always my favorite, especially in this era of endless self-promotion. Part of people’s daily routine has become recording mundane activities and sharing them with the world. And pretty much all of it is for self-indulgence. We want to be reassured that we’re interesting or funny or unique or somehow different from everyone else. What do you think I’m doing every time I crank out an article?

I’m no different from the rest of you slobs, and for the record, neither is Kyrie Irving. The new Dallas Maverick spiritual leader put out a message on Twitch the other night, firing back at the media and fans who put his name in their mouths, as if that’s not exactly what he’s hoping for.

Yes, the guy who constantly appears on various platforms and can’t answer a question in less than three sentences would like you to know that you don’t know him. The guy who has been conjuring up different ways to cover up the swooshes on his shoes since Nike dropped him — including appropriating Native American culture and sharing it to his own Instagram feed — would like you to know that he’s different. He’s deeper than you, more thoughtful, talented, stylish, and smarter.

He dribbles a basketball for a living.

“But I inspire people!” Yeah, that’s the problem. You’re a glob of cells, he’s a glob of cells, we’re all just globs out here judging other globs about whose glob is the most impressive glob.

I don’t know you?! Please, Kyrie. You’re a human fucking being. You’re the most predictable species on the planet. We don’t want to merely exist, we want to live. Isn’t that what The Last of Us is all about? How about you turn off your brain, get off Twitch and go try to help Luka Dončić win an NBA championship?

I’m sorry Phil Knight took away your creative outlet because your idea of expressing yourself was promoting an antisemitic film. Go talk to Asics about a colorway if you need a hobby. I honestly didn’t even watch both videos or all of the one I shared. Once you start talking into the camera, I’m out. That’s the most human-y thing that humans have ever done, right after writing and publishing our thoughts. “Here’s me talking because I need attention.” My god, just mutter your grumblings to yourself like the rest of us and move on with your life.

We’re supposed to be living. Living. Liv-ing. LIVING! And instead, I’m spending my morning getting to know Ky. How It’s Made is more interesting than another Kyrie soliloquy. I know one thing about Irving. He doesn’t matter. None of us do.

What, you think a chosen messiah is going to evolve into Kang, and rule every galaxy across time and space? We’ll be lucky to solve global warming before sucking the oceans dry and shriveling up into scorched carcasses after devouring the Earth of all its resources. Just a dead, barren planet, with only Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron left, looking for water, and trying to escape a band of murderers driving monster trucks.

Annnndddddd I’m out. I’m out. I’m out. I’m out. It’s too close to no worky time to spend any more brain cells writing about Kyrie Irving talking on Twitch. Enjoy your weekend, you big, beautiful, one-of-a-kind globs.

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